I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
