and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
