We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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