Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
