so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
