Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
