She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
