im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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