even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
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I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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