someone threw a dead crab at me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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