Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
