You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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