you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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