haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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