There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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