I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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