Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
