My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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