I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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