my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
