I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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