why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
