As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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