its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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