Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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