I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
