how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
