sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
