the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
