Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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