we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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