Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
