i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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