saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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