Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
