did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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