Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
