I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
