Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
