No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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