I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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