I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I cut my penus on the lid.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
