my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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