Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
