I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
