If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
