??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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