i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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