Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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