my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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