worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
