My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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