You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
