The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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