the condom got lost in my hair
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
