Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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