i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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