You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
