Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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