My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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