I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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